Shame and guilt: Part 1.3
I have found that so many people go through stages of feeling guilt, shame, judging themselves, even to the point of trying to repress their fetish/kink. I always feel so saddened when people feel the need to push that part of themselves away and hide it in a box for no one to see.
The fact is, there is such a huge community of people out there, which means that there is also a lot of support, with many of those people having gone through the same things themselves.
It can take a long time to accept oneself, especially when others around seem vanilla.
When a sub comes to Me and wishes to open up to Me about their feelings of guilt/shame/judgement etc., My advice comes from a place of genuine care. Not one glove fits all, however, My general advice is as follows:
- If you're feeling guilty/ashamed/judged for wondering whether your kink is weird, please read the above tab if you haven't already!
- Often, the question that you have to ask yourself is 'why do I feel guilt/shame etc. about my kinks?'
Why do you? Is it because you think others don't have the same kinks as you? If so, you will never know the answer to this question and there is no point comparing yourself to others sexual desires and needs. Everyone is individual and it is almost impossible to speculate what someone's sexual desires may be.
Is it because you know it stems from your childhood and are struggling to come to terms with this?
Is it perhaps because you want to be considered 'normal' and this negates from the ideal? Trust Me, there is no normal.
- I feel it is important to talk to people, if you do not wish to do so directly, then sites like FetLife, chat sites or forums can be spaces to discuss your kinks with others, Though I would advise not to use your real name etc. I do think however, once you gain the courage to do so, to either go to a munch, a club, or even to explore with a Dominatrix. People in the kink/fetish community are generally open minded and are understanding of your feelings and they may well have been in the same situation as you. If you do decide to go to these places however, I don't advise just blurting out what your kink is! Talk to people on a personal level, get to know them etc, then when you've gained some rapport, open up to them. Just because we're kinky doesn't mean we want to know all the details of what you're into straight away!
- If you do decide to go to a Dominatrix, research is key. Research some Dommes that may be suitable for you (your kinks/fetishes match their kinks/fetishes), approach with politeness and respect. It will go a long way. If you are discussing your kink for the first time with a Domme, don't blurt it all out with every last little detail spelled out. It is always best to be honest and open with your Domme, how you're feeling, negatively or otherwise. If they are a good Domme, they will listen to you and make sure that you feel safe with them, mentally as well as physically.
Check out my other posts on guilt in the subs section.