This particular post is the first in a series which touches on the subject of guilt and how to manage it.
This post's topic is specifically about cheating and whether feeling guilty about the possibility of cheating on your partner, is in fact relevant.
Referring back to Guilt 1.1 and the question 'why is it that I have to ‘cheat’ in order to get my sexual needs met?’ What conclusions have you come to, does this question mean something to you?
This may conjure up many different answers for many different people, but the ones that seem to crop up time and again are:
1. ‘I fear that she won’t accept my kinks/fetishes; she may think it’s weird and leave me.’
2. ‘I have hinted at things in the past, but she always seemed to be put off by it, in the end I gave up’.
3. ‘She wouldn’t understand’.
4. ‘We’ve tried things once or twice, but it ended up not being her thing’.
You may notice a bit of a theme here. There are of course other reasons for which you feel you must get your sexual needs met elsewhere, but those are normally related to a breakdown of the relationship, which in this case probably doesn’t have much to do with the BDSM element.
If you take the above points, do any of them ring true to you, do you feel as though this is you? If so, think carefully about the following:
Take the first point, ‘I fear she won’t accept my kinks/fetishes…’ You know your partner better than I do, however this can go one of two ways. I have met subs in the past, who came to me wishing that they could experience the same things with their partner. I even met a few who eventually took that step and introduced their lover to it and never looked back. I understand that this is often a difficult thing to do and therefore I advise that if you wish to experience your kinks with your partner, then to do it step by step, slowly introducing them to your world, helping them to understand with patience, love and compassion. For instance, if you are into anal, I wouldn’t suggest (unless she has expressed heavy interest in it) blurting out that you want her to ‘fuck you up the arse’, moreover, asking if she’d want to put a finger up there, then showing her the enjoyment your get from it and going from there.
One of the many things that subs often forget to do and people as whole in fact forget, is to communicate. I know that if my subs are reading this, they are thinking that this is something that I drill into them time and time again, because of the nature of its’ importance. So, communicate with her, tell her how you feel and what makes you tick, have an open and frank conversation about sex and your sexual needs as well as hers. And remember, take your time, it’s not a race!
The second point suggests that you have hinted to your partner in the past but have been unable to get the response you so wished. On that front, I assume that you heavily hinted and received no green light even though you tried your best. If that is the case, do you truly need to feel guilt? Besides an open and frank conversation, which may work for some couples but not for others, nothing can change the mind of another without willingness on their side.
This ties in with the fourth point. Kudos to you if you have tried to engage in your favoured play with your partner, not everyone can say that they have done so. So, the bottom line, should you feel guilty? Coming from the perspective that most sexual desires should be met, we are human and have basic human needs, whatever they may be. If they can’t be gratified with the person that you love, then where else are you meant to be able to get it? That is where us Dommes come in. When you have exhausted your options with your partner, or are afraid/know that she will reject you, what other option do you have left, besides never having your needs met and having the constant urge to have that beast tamed inside of you, knowing that it never will.
If you look at it from a different angle, does she get her sexual desires met? (Of course this only applies if you are still having sex/she wants to have sex) If so, then should you not be able to have those desires met as well? If you are faithful to your partner in every other way, but are unable to be faithful to her when it comes to your kinks for the reasons above, is it necessarily cheating? Only you can answer that question for yourself, but I would say that everyone has their needs, desires, kinks fetishes etc. If you suppress your desires for the guilt that you feel, are you doing your mind or sexual health any good? In most cases, if you do not have the opportunity to express your sexual desires, they end up coming out in other ways; depression, stress, obsession (usually pornographic) and so forth. Everyone needs a healthy outlet for their kinks and BDSM is a beautiful way of doing so. A safe environment where you are able to express yourself and your desires to a Dominant who is there to help you explore it.
Remember, everyone has needs, not everyone is vanilla and not everyone can have their needs met by their partner. Take what you need from these pieces of information, but remember you are human just like everyone else and you, just like everyone has needs and desires. Just imagine, what would it be like if you looked back on your life when you are on your last legs, how would you like to look back and remember your life? Fulfilled and guilt free, or regretful and wishing you had done it while you had the chance.
~ Empress Akari
Foot note: Though I have been using 'her' in this post, this can also mean 'him', or 'them'.